the Kennedy Assassination. Let’s face the facts, Lee Harvey Oswald was a terrible marksman, under funded and the Warren Commission's magic bullet explanation just makes no sense.For Sci-Fi enthusiasts it’s all about Area 51 in the Nevada desert. You, Mulder and Scully absolutely know the federal government is hiding secrets in the desert far beyond the flickering lights of Las Vegas.
For bigger guys married to slender women there’s a portion control plot that must be exposed, the Skinny Chick Conspiracy. I have to live through this nightmarish scenario everyday. Imagine this, no matter where we go to eat and no matter what we order; Thin Mint’s meal is always larger and for some troubling reason, much tastier than mine. For example, on the rare occasion where we both order the same entrée like linguine and clam sauce, Thin Mint gets more pasta and extra littlenecks! We both order different omelets for breakfast and her eggs are fluffier, there’s an extra piece or two of crisp bacon and she gets more home fries, but of course. We each order Veal Parmesan and she receives the biggest piece of tender veal ever. There is not a dinner plat
e in the city big enough to hold her bubbling entrée. Whereas I get the alternative meal plan option where the veal, tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese are radically rationed like gasoline during wartime.I have spent years trying to unravel the truth about this mind boggling mystery. Do larger men not deserve the excitement of eyeing an overflowing plate of fried calamari just for them? How is it possible that the seafood restaurant in Ipswich MA, the Italian Restaurant in South Philadelphia, the Soul Food restaurant in Saratoga and the Steak House in Phoenix all give Thin Mint a larger dinner portion? After careful thought and extensive research, I have reached an indisputable conclusion.
There must be a secret society that looks out for slender women. I have no proof, but I suspect these low body mass individuals use secret hand signals to communicate in a language that only the trim can translate. If you go back through television and movie history, I have no doubt you will find a very suspicious pattern of mealtime favoritism. Just consider the facts; did Ralph Kramden ever get more food than Alice? I think not! Did Fred Flintstone ever get a bigger Brontosaurus burger than Wilma? Never! Did the portly Mr. C on Happy Days ever get more pot roast than Mrs.C? Not happening! For Pete’s sake, did John Candy even get a nosh in Uncle Buck?
Don’t even get me started on Bluto and Olive Oyl. This is a cruel, cruel conspiracy.I will continue to explore this great epicurean injustice while at dinner, lunch, breakfast or an ice cream parlor. The truth must be told. You can rely on Guilty to count fries not calories.
