"Oh," she quickly remembered,"and bring my husband a big bowl of hot oatmeal."
Mercifully, I awoke from my troubling nightmare in a cold sweat and visibly shaken from dining out in my dreams. Six weeks to Double Mint's Bar Mitzvah and I am stuck in overweight quick sand.
I have sent out a clarion call for hell, I mean help, to lose weight before our son's special day. Thankfully, the
world renown Skinny Chick Society has volunteered their vaunted diet monitoring program to help me deal with my caloric catastrophe. Thin Mint's right eye has already started to twitch in anticipation of her role as my lifestyle coach.Who knows more about losing weight than a skinny chick who can eat 5,000 calories a day and then complain that she needs to put on some weight?
Yes, I admit it, I enjoy many Guilty Pleasures that are not very diet-friendly. However, I am also very fit and youthful for a middle-aged man. That said, I need to lose 40 pounds.
Unfortunately, at this time I am very challenged and frustrated. Nothing seems to be working. I eat roasted asparagus, red grapes, a banana and a bag of cheddar cheese rice cakes for lunch and I still have to loosen my belt buckle.
The battle lines between bloated and bumper crop have been drawn. There is no going back to bloatesville and the Skinny Chick has a plan. She is a portion control goddess and an expert at cajoling others (mainly me) to eat smaller meals. "Take less mashed potatoes, you can always go back for more," she offered at dinner, "and please pass the sour cream and shallot butter."
In our younger days we used to go out for brunch at a Hyatt Regency or Marriott while enjoying the dating and newlywed life. With the thrill of fifty cents on the line,
we would often make a spirited wager on how much food other people would put on there plates, especially those individuals on the larger side of life.Big person, huge person, fat man, pudgy boy, hefty woman, plump girl, Porky Pig and Baby Huey. The bigger the person, the bigger the bet.
We sized up everyone and then created our own little Buffet Eating Fantasy League. Rumor has it, this where fantasy football got it's start when an ESPN executive overhead our tableside wagering and fatcentric banter. Thin Mint never lost a match. That Skinny Chick got game. Guilty got oatmeal.
Over the next several weeks we will discuss my unorthodox diet, my success or lack thereof and Thin Mint's far-reaching lifestyle coaching techniques.
